I will be going back to work very soon, in fact it’s next week. Last night, I had insomnia. I kept thinking about stuff, how things will work out when I go back to work. Think things just pile up. The ex-maid drama has taken a toil on emotions and my readiness to go back to work. She was great, at least in helping my Dad with all the baby stuff. Now, with this new maid. She is not as good as the previous one. But I guess I will just have to make do with it.
Thinking of pumping milk at work, timings and place to do it…what if another teacher want to check materials in the room etc. What if I need to stay back late at work? What if I need go for PECs and home practice sessions at night etc. I am adding so much stress into that small head of mine. It makes me feel breathless.
Tried to do a little research on going back to work after maternity leave. I guess most mothers will feel the same first feeling….GUILT.
What will happen to my little guy? What if he cries? Will my dad be patient enough to cope? What if he doesn’t want to nap? What about his other first developments? His first full rollover…his first crawl…his first word…what if I am not there to witness them? What about his mental development? Who is going to have lessons with him? Who will educate him? So many questions…
I know that I should be thankful that it’s my own dad who will be taking care of him. But somehow I will just not be totally ‘fang xin’. What’s wrong with me?
Am I being paranoid?
I guess motherhood has really change me a lot. I can’t really explain how. But I do know that he is my first priority right now. This is the first time where I have no feeling about my upcoming birthday. I am afraid that I am losing myself at times. Is this normal? Am I normal?
Sean, Mummy will really really really miss you a lot when I go back to work…your smiles, your coos, your active movements, your peaceful look when you nap, even your cries.
I will miss you every working day…
