Thinking of pumping milk at work, timings and place to do it…what if another teacher want to check materials in the room etc. What if I need to stay back late at work? What if I need go for PECs and home practice sessions at night etc. I am adding so much stress into that small head of mine. It makes me feel breathless.

Tried to do a little research on going back to work after maternity leave. I guess most mothers will feel the same first feeling….GUILT.

What will happen to my little guy? What if he cries? Will my dad be patient enough to cope? What if he doesn’t want to nap? What about his other first developments? His first full rollover…his first crawl…his first word…what if I am not there to witness them? What about his mental development? Who is going to have lessons with him? Who will educate him? So many questions…

I know that I should be thankful that it’s my own dad who will be taking care of him. But somehow I will just not be totally ‘fang xin’. What’s wrong with me?

Am I being paranoid?

I guess motherhood has really change me a lot. I can’t really explain how. But I do know that he is my first priority right now. This is the first time where I have no feeling about my upcoming birthday. I am afraid that I am losing myself at times. Is this normal? Am I normal?

Sean, Mummy will really really really miss you a lot when I go back to work…your smiles, your coos, your active movements, your peaceful look when you nap, even your cries.

I will miss you every working day…

How ironic when we are both Sandras. I also wish that I have prepared a million dollars for my son’s education fees.

To Sean:

A million dollars, I have not.

A million times of love for you, that I have.

Some words of wisdom truly shine when you are older and went through more experiences in your life…

Always Live Life to the Fullest

Don’t let go of Hope,

Hope gives you the strength to keep going

When you feel like giving up.

Don’t ever quit believing in yourself,

As long as you believe you Can,

You will have reason for Trying.

Don’t let anyone hold your Happiness in their Hands,

Hold it in yours, so it will always be within your Reach.

Don’t measure success or failure by material wealth,

But by how you Feel,

Our feelings determine the richness of our Lives.

Don’t let bad moments overcome You,

Be patient, and they will pass.

Don’t hesitate to reach out for Help,

We all need it from time to time.

Don’t run away from love but towards Love.

Because it is your deepest Joy.

Don’t wait for what you want to come to You.

Go after it with all You Are,

Knowing that Life will meet you Halfway.

Don’t feel like you’ve lost

When plans and dreams fall short of your hopes.

Anytime you learn from something new

About Yourself or about Life,

You have progressed.

Don’t do anything that takes away

From your Self-Respect.

Feeling good about Yourself

Is essential to feeling good about Life.

Don’t ever forget about how to Laugh

Or be too proud to Cry,

Or too stubborn to Smile.

Don’t ever forget a friend who truly loves You

As it could be that friend who is true to your Needs

Don’t ever forget who helped you Grow as your need

For more seeds may often re-appear

With all the above , live life to its Fullest

~Mrs Teng Kim Lian~

A good teacher teaches knowledge…but a great teacher inspires wisdom and passion for life…

You are still the star and I am still the moon.

Always near, but yet so far.

No matter you are 21, 30 or 100…you will always be my baby.

Happy birthday my dear.

Food was alright in my opinion, but the ladies present that night made them taste even better. Wish I could continue to have such nights in time to come, despite the obligations of motherhood. Thankfully I have a most understanding hubby, who is able to let me enjoy the night out in peace.

Next, hubby and I also managed to have our couple’s day out yesterday. We have discussed on this outing and I have been looking forward to it. It was a simple affair, over a nice cup of iced tea and brownie with gelato. Heading to the bookstore to browse books on PARENTING…and ended with a most delightful dinner at One Rochester. It is times like this that we can open our hearts to discuss freely about our thoughts. I really think that it is important for the couple to spend time together apart from their child occasionally to maintain the relationship and keep the fire going.

Hence, what else can I say? I am thankful for my great friends, my wonderful hubby, and my beautiful son to watch us grow along the way.

Before I delivered, I told the nurse proudly…”TOTAL BREASTFEEDING for Sean!” I still remember the first time that I attempted to breastfeed Sean, it was rather awkward. The lactation consultant came to check out my milk supply, gave it a squeeze and colostrum squirted out! I was amazed! Haha, I never thought that I will witness such a scene my entire life. The next thing I knew, she latched Sean on and he was sucking away. I felt maternal, I was a mother!

It wasn’t easy picking up breastfeeding. My hubby had to help me latch him on during the first few days. But things got better after we got back home. I was getting more confident, and Sean was getting better at latching on too.

As the title goes, no pain no gain. It was really quite painful during the beginning. I thought to myself, my pain is his gain. So I endured! The lactation consultant at TMC even mentioned that only 1% of Singaporean mothers can persist breastfeeding for a year. I wonder if I would be one of these 1%…so far, it’s been 2 months and 1 week. My target is at least 6 months.

The next pain for me was the numerous times that I had to be ‘on call’ for being his milk-machine. Sometimes, he could call for his milk every hour, meaning that I had only maybe 30 minutes of rest in between of each feeding sessions. As compared to formula milk, breast milk is digested much faster, hence, I have to wake up an average of 3 times each night to feed him too.

Now about my recent pain..dealing with engorgement! On Tuesday night, Sean woke up slightly later than usual, hence, I ended up with an engorged right breast. The pain became so excruciating on Wednesday night that I teared when breastfeeding him. I came down with a low fever at night and I felt awful. But, I shall perservere on!

Hence, no pain…no gain!

1) You hear children’s songs ringing in your head more often than pop songs.

2) You will be thankful to have at least 3 hours of sleep in a stretch.

3) You are not able to survive through shopping and dinner without feeling engorged.

4) The moment you step out of the house, you already start missing your little fella.

5) The places that you contemplate in travelling to are sentosa or batam. (And 2 days 1 night is the max consideration)

6) You used to enjoy looking at other people’s wedding photos on facebook after you were married. NOW, you begin to pay extra attention to other people’s baby photos.

7) You have to take turns between your family members to have your dinner so that there is someone to attend to the little fella.

8 ) Celebration of mother’s birthday in the past at restaurants is now changed into ang bao money.

9) Sometimes you just wish that the little fella takes a longer nap.

10) Your husband no longer needs an alarm clock.

Shopping for CNY clothes this year has also been a challenge. Since I’m doing total breastfeeding, it means that I can only buy clothes that are suitable for breastfeeding. Ask the bff and she can tell you what a challenge it has been. Seeing all the pretty clothes, but I just can’t buy them. Luckily, I’ve figured my fashion route to take this year is the ‘cardigan’ look! Classic and sophisticated.

Another difference for this CNY is that me and hubby didn’t go down to walk around the chinatown new year shops at all. Guess it’s really difficult to go out with a young little one at home.

Sean’s arrival has created an impact in all our lives. For me, I started to pack and clean my own cupboards the week before CNY. This behaviour is very unlike me for those who know me well. Think their jaws will drop if they know I actually initiated to pack and persevere through on my own. I even bathe for him yesterday, which is an achievement for me! For hubby, Sean brought out such paternal instincts in him that he can easily win the best new Dad award hands-down. Bathing for him, changing his nappies like a pro, soothing him to sleep, communicating and interacting with Sean, and never grumble about his interrupted sleep through the night. Sean has definitely brought a tremendous amount of happiness to my parents too. He has also brought good luck to all of us in different areas.

With Sean, I know that life will never be the same again. He is a smart baby with a feisty character. Every little movement from him will bring such flutters to my stomach and joy to my heart. It is definitely not easy being a parent. But, he has brought along such goodness in every little possible way. For that, I’m thankful to have him in my life.

1. Use warm water to wash hands. Did this only after the second week.

2. Bath with herbal water. (Really happy to be able to bath and wash my hair. So nothing to complain about here)

3. Had fish for ALL my meals..apparently it’s good for boosting my milk supply.

4. Supposed to nap whenever Sean naps. But haven’t really done it as he seldom naps.

Another experience during my confinement is that I really truly 100% cannot stand my maid’s hyena-like voice whenever she talks to Sean. Her “hello hellllllloooooooooooooooo”, “Sean Seaaaaaannnnnnnnn” is really super irritating. She likes to go from one octave to the next within the same word, plus she keeps dragging her syllabus. Haizzz..

It was even worse in the beginning when she was too attached to my child that she didn’t want to pass Sean to my hubby when he asked her to. I was afraid that she substituted my son with her son. And to think that my mum even suggested for Sean to sleep outside with her after we came back from the hospital. Hubby and I almost fainted! I mean is Sean our child or the maid’s child?!

My parents really like the maid and it’s hard for hubby and I to tell the maid our displeasure. Hopefully I can continue to tolerate her hyena-like voice whenever she talks to Sean.

Lastly, my confinement days so far have been okay. In fact, I feel like a cow most of the time as I’m doing total breastfeeding for Sean. It’s VERY tiring as he feeds almost every 2 hours and sometimes every hour. It’s been such a long long time since I’ve had at least 2 to 3 hours of continuous sleep. It’s also very tiring for hubby as he has to wake up at night to on the light and help me with his latch-ons. Now we know that the price we got to pay for parenthood is our sleep. But at the end of the day, when you just watch Sean grow, or just simply sit there and look at his many different expressions, we know that its all worth it.

He’s crying again….OFF I go now!

Mooooooooooooooooooooo…..